I don’t share cheese on the first date.
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People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.