@KindOfASmartass

It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you’ve slept with

It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you’ve slept with

- @KindOfASmartass

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@TheBoydP

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

@BoomBoomBetty

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

@scot7a

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

@TheDairylandDon

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

@ThrillHicks

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

@TheBoydP

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

@DurtMcHurtt

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

@Dawn_M_

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.