Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

My guardian angel deserves a raise

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

No, you’re not getting it your honor

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

if a cop pulls u over play dead

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.