it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My first son he is wonderful
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
we’re dead?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”