It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
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If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo