It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
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If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
best first i’ve ever seen
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
The two types of wives
