Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.