@halloweenbears

it really hurt my feelings when you called me a stalker to your friend when you guys thought you were alone in the locker room

You Might Also Like

@Havish_AF

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

@AbbieEvansXO

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

@SaveItForFest

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

@KentWGraham

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

@LeahsLounge

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

@InternetHippo

The stages of getting old are:
1) shocked to see that some famous person is younger than you
2) not surprised anymore b/c they’re all younger

@ScottLinnen

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

@Angibangie

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

@TheMichaelRock

Look, all I’m saying is that the dinosaurs didn’t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.