[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
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If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*