It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
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The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Today’s tshirt
For anyone who needs this today
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.