It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
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Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
