It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
You Might Also Like
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.