It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
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Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I’m aging like a fine banana
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*