It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
never ask a starfish for directions
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.