It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
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Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”