Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.