“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
damn he’s good
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I am also baked goods
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
rest in peas
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone