Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*