It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
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The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good