Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

long lost

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.