Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*