Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers