It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction