Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

Velcrow

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

This is what makes twitter great

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?