it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
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me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
*Inspirational Tweets*
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.