Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

pls suprot

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues