it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
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I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.