It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
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*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Has science gone too far?
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round