It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
You Might Also Like
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.