Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mechanics be like

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk