“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
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They should make a moral fiber supplement
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
how to market bottled water to dads
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!