“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
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*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Bros before Ohioes
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Family Celebrity
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Good advice.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.