it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more