Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
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put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I’m already scared
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Just as the prophecy foretold
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack