It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
some things should go without saying
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.