It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
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Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
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Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
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I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
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America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
fair
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do