It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
