Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Good advice.

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.