Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.