It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.