It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
You Might Also Like
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
