“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
The Weeknd is back
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
The USS B port
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?