cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
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I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
ME: woud u be open to adoption?
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
National product once got caught picking his nose and eating it thus forever being known as gross national product.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he’ll do with both packs.