“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
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Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
We have a winner.