@TheToddWilliams

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

@jjhartinger

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

@jonnysun

ME: woud u be open to adoption?
HUSBAND: yes
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption

@sarcasticmommy4

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

@SteveSuckington

National product once got caught picking his nose and eating it thus forever being known as gross national product.

@amydillon

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

@ericsshadow

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

@McJesse

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

@TheMichaelRock

Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he’ll do with both packs.