“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
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HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Always 🥴
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie