It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
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If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”