Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS