I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
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This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.