@rickygervais

It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils

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@iwearaonesie

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

@Dr_awfulpants

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is phlegm
-Can you use it in a sentence?
*loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*

@PuncherJetpack

“Hey bro shotgun this beer”
No I don’t drink
“You wanna be cool don’t you?”
I don’t drink
“C’mon NERD!”
Grandma PLEASE stop

@KingRainhead

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

@AllieA

On my first day of college my dad’s only advice was “don’t date any of your teachers!” Yeah right dad, everyone knows teachers are poor.

@david8hughes

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

@CelebrityChez

My biggest regret is probably that time I let a guy dressed up as a hotdog give me a haircut.

@jtrulez

Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*

@mostunladylike

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.