Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.