It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
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It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
WTF
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.