It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
You Might Also Like
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”