It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Fights fire with marshmallows
what does he know…
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.