It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
The best shot in the history of golf
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”