It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
channeling her this year
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.