Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

My dad’s son is like a brother to me.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?