“It shall be called the Super Bowl and will be a huge national event played deep into the night on Sunday when everyone must go into work on Monday.”
“Why not play it on Saturday?”
“Nobody knows.”
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Something Saturday.
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
No one:
London landlords:
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.