Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting