It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.