It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
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[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
estão todos miauvindo?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.