It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
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Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders