It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?