It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
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this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Strangers have the best candy.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.