It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
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Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Pot warmers of the day.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
My circle of trust is a meatball
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
