It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
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What if the weather talks about us?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Monday
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY