It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
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I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.