Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

🫶

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.