It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
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I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
iPhone X
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.