Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

Posting this on behalf of a friend

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.