Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

my first dose meeting my second

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.