It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
You Might Also Like
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”