It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
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GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
