“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.