it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
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website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I love the National Park Service.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since