it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.